wait, they don’t love you like i love you.
hehehe, creepy creep photos.
actually, i wanted the universe to see my wolverine hair, but alas, out of frame. idiot!
okay. so. we were talking about high school the other day, and back in the day, it was so present in my mind, the fact that i’d never had a boyfriend, or that i’d never made-out with someone, and so forth. i used to feel like i had to avoid the subject, or defend my choices to not let people close to me, or admit that few wanted to be that close to me, and if they did, i turned a blind eye. i invented silent stigmatization by my peers in my mind. i highly doubt now if anyone cared at all. now, two years out the other side, i feel almost frivolous. the amount of energy i expended being concerned about that was preposterous. oh sure, i’m still a freak about relationships. largely because the fact remains that i’ve never been in one. i think they’re strange, and marvelous, and foreign. i have trouble envisioning commitment to one person, for an extended period of time, and them wanting the same from me. this probably springs from insecurity, and my own proclivity towards boredom and fantasy (see, the Enneagram definition of a Four). but the “Issue” of it has become smaller and smaller in my mind. of course it’s weird. of course it might run people off. but there’s no reason to fret and terror over it. if it truly upset someone, well that would just be their strange little problem. life has so much to demand of me than attaining a boyfriend, and to what end? “the world is so full of a number of things, i’m sure we should all be as happy as kings,” until the day comes that the universe is like, “cool mia, try this guy on for size.” in which case, we’ll fall on our knees and pray for minimal crazy. everything happens in due course, in due time, with the appropriate efforts and events. i have loved my life immensely. i have come out the other side of some really poopy pitfalls (most recently, see winter quarter). i have been given joy and relish for life back. i’m enjoying every hour of the day, and many of the night. i cannot wait for auditions.
i’m nervous for summer. i must find a job, this is imperative. but there are ways to occupy time. there are ways to be productive and creative and ritualistic and joyful.
rant over. a mild rant at that. i’m going to learn the end of hannah’s settle down/my body is a cage mash-up for corpus auditions. then, run the song. then, action viola’s monologue. after i type up a vocal mask. after i finish this coffee. after i take a nap.
